Hitting The Wall

2010-01-23 23:27:42 人氣(67) | 回應(0) | 推薦(0) | 收藏(0) 上一篇 | 下一篇

Hitting The Wall

0

收藏

0

推薦

Many years ago, heard cousin.V decided to suspend her phd research because ofhitting the wall. At that time I was only at the second year into my phd, Iknew nothing about wall-hitting; however, it definitely scares me because ofits unknown effect and unexpected timing. I only prayed please don't let ithappen to me...

Many years later, after completing a long series of Result Chapters, feelingrewarded while looking back how much I had done during the Christmas holidayshould have given me much more confident to debut the next day to startplanning the Discussion chapter(s?). I felt overwhelmed by the enormous dataand resource i had collected for this doctoral study to the contrary. Slightlypanic attack and emotional breakdown surround me for the whole working dayright after the plan to start on the next chapters. With the limited time frameto spend some casual time with friends or to take a real holiday isn't apreferable yet a luxurious solution. 

Suddenly, sitting by my bian-bian laptop looking out of the window, I couldn'thelp but being convinced that "I don't think I can do it". Phd as agoal seems just too extreme to me. I was a happy ordinary girl who dreams ofmarrying a nice gentle guy and surrounding by friendship, love and family. Theaforementioned are literally so distant. I quit the obsession of msn messengerto reduce the physics exhaustion and I decline many social invitations simplyjust to concentrate more on my study and myself. I distance myself from whom Ilove and who love me. Moreover, when my good friends one by one found theirhappiness, where am I on the road of life? When my beloved family needs supportand needs company, it has always been so frustrated to be acknowledged thelast. Today it just seems to be an afar dream or goal to complete the thesis. Agood, scholarlike academically, satisfactory to my perfection thesis.

Hitting "The" Wall is just too painful to reject any second-thoughtsor self-doubts. Any devilish criticism and comments could easily climb back tohaunt me at this weakest moment. However, I was lucky enough to notice thewall-hitting stage and immediately promising me there is no allowance for me tospend longer time in self-pitying misery. Having been used to guard myperfection attitude and mask, it is also difficult for me to admit how defeatedI am to every single friends, or ... even my closest mommy and daddy. Trying tostep out the matrix, I slowly remove all the negativity and turned myself tothe last safety pillow: Amanda. Even though she has also been slightlyderailing from the sgi meetings, she is always and ever on the top of my heartwhen I am happy, victorious, upset or low. I texted her and received the mostsophisticated, brightest, encouraging and compassionate messages. I am going toshare them here to remind myself: Believing in me because I can!
『you will never again have to do anything as difficult as a PhD,never again will you deal with as much data or literature as you are now!』  

Only the people who are doing the same things, undergoing the same pressure,encountering the same rocky obstacles could comprehend how you really feel. AndAmanda's additional notes suggest me to physically chat with a friend (which Idon't have the spare energy and time to do) or sipping a nice cup of hot teaand reading a nice book. The next morning to Amanda's text, I brewed myself adeep glass of Tetley tea and flipped through the popup journals of BeatrixPotter. I am feeling 120% better emotionally and these two days I have beenstudying in the qualitative analysis in order to figure out how I shall do tomake the best qualitative and quantitative incorporation in the discussionchapter(s?).

When you have fear, the most efficient and triumphal route is only to face it,understand it and then solve it.