Friday, 27 January 2012

The Final Line is there.


2010-07-30 04:24:22 人氣(89) | 回應(0) | 推薦(0) | 收藏(0上一篇 | 下一篇

The Final Line is there.

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In early 2010, I received a letter from postgraduate association of university saying that I "have to" submit the PhD thesis by end of September this year without any excuse to postpone. The language used in the letter was quite direct, authoritative and harsh. My professor, to avoid my terrified nature, pre-nounced the letter before its delivered. However, no matter what, September 2010 is officially the last deadline I could be granted.

The first half year of PhD, I lived in Mealmarket Exchange. It was owned by a well-developed private company across United Kingdom. Within that first 6 months, both myself and professor worked our hearts out on the project to conduct a well-though through psychological questionnaire. Then, I moved into the alice garden for the rest of my doctorate years. The second half year of my research, I met Dan, Koy, Qily, Ben and Kevin in the house. Apart from Ben's hardworking determination, Dannie and I were living everyday like no tomorrow. I studied during the midnight after Koy's routined chitchat, went to bed in the early morning (dawn or sometimes 9am) and waked up in the early evening for the Big Tea. It wasn't a healthy life I had that time. Thank goodness that the initial 12 months (half in Mealmarket half in alice garden) collated quite a sufficient amount of literature notes for me to develop in the soon future.

Then in July next year, I received a call from dad and suspended my research for half year to be with my beloved mother, Sophie. As kind and thoughtful as she always is, Mummy Sophie thought that half year of suspension should have not happen. But for me, realistically it couldn't be a better choice than going home. I remember myself at the heathrow airport (just 2 hours after learning the news from home) calling professor's home. I said on this end of phoneline that "my family is my ALL, my family is my ALL!". I was crying, the tears were not stoppable and I heard myself standing at the gate and repeating this sentence to my professor. That was also the point that I realised the ideal concept of life for me is to be with my family and knowing we all are having healthy, cheerful and united lives.

After my return from suspension, things actually picked up even more efficiently than ever. Despite the department expansion by recruiting more loaded doctorate students and consequently heavy loaded the duty for each supervisor, my professor had started letting me lead him in this route of researching field. This is also what he wants and what he told me in the beginning of the doctorate tutorial. He could lead me for the first a third of time, then I have to progress a certain proficiency and ability to guide him at the second third of time. I was glad that i was doing finely and anyway otherwise I didn't think he would have extra time for me considering almost 7 phd researchers under his supervision.

Last month, June 2010, was the most hellish deadset period of my life, so far anyway :).
In order to meet the final deadline at september 2010, my professor pressurise me to submit my first draft to him by end of June. It meant that not only had I to finalise the result chapters (which were suggested to have separate three chapters for results at the start then opinion changed to combine them all in one chapter just a month ago) I had to work on discussion chapter and introduction chapter as well. I know you may feel that i should have done them already long ago if possible, but if you think about how much I had done previously but either they had been advised to chop or the shifty and variable advices always guided the write-up direction at the expense of elaboration. I don't blain anyone and I consider those as a necessary process anyway. The doctorate dissertation is all your work, your responsibility and your duty. Its not something much for the future career anyway other than for yourself. If you couldn't bear this hardships or exhaustion, how you would be able to be proud oneday? In a way, its like labouring a baby. The process is difficult and painful, but I reckon the baby is so beautiful and precious especially after the procedure of pain.



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I always recalled the female doctorate researcher (maybe a Taiwanese or a Chinese) who was a friend of Jesca in Newcastle. She eventually submitted her dissertation and passed the viva. However, just days after attending graduation ceremony and receiving her doctor degree, she passed away in the rented room and her death was announced in relation to the liver failure. I heard this devastated news four years ago and since then I don't think that there was times her tragedy is not in my mind. Its a warning to me. Don't over-do it, don't be perfectionist. Don't forget nothing is more treasurous than having your health. I keep remind myself to relax. During the most difficult June (oh my sweetness, I will never forget about the hell I was in in June), I told myself to relax on daily basis. Did it work? Let the skin to judge...

I waked up at 9am, worked in the library or at home throughout the day, and usually finished work at 11pm. I didn't leave my desk more than 20 minutes, there was no time for me to make up or checking out myself at the mirror and I didn't even walked out of the house for weeks. Therefore, despite the light sunshine in Aberdeen, even the sunny rays sparkled through my window annoyed me to death. I drew curtain to keep the room dark and continued working. Its like working was the only purpose in life that month. So scary, terrifying, devilish and unhealthy. My skin, hah, turned dramatically worst and even capable to complimented the hellish circumstances. One spot, two spots, three spots. They just kept coming to have fun on my face. I facialed origins dark mask, bodyshop's teatree mask, byebye blemish pinky lotion and everything I have in the room. The spots and acne became the worst nightmare and the most essential distraction of my daily life. Most of them appeared in the philtrum area of my face, and there was one very lingeringly tough to deal with, like a troop, locating right in the middle of my philtrum. The funny thing is that they enjoyed company. If there was only one spot for me to fight, I could concentrate on it fully. However, there has been always two as a company. The one I described earlier as the toughest acene was that its super deep rooted. I cleared one, at least I thought I did accomplish it, there was another one deeper at the same spot. Then the third one and the fourth one. Its like no end to it. I was also a troop myself. I fought through the war, and guess who was the victor there :) now there is a redish/purplish scar as the memorial for it. Not only the acne, I had a serious symtom of lip dehydration. It appeared to be like having a dry lips at first, then the dry lip turned to a serious skin peel. Waiting for no time, the lip peels transformed into something similar to cold-sore. It looked painful; however, I had been blessed that I didn't feel a thing I guess. People seeing me could recognise the whitish skin peels covering all over my lips. You couldn't hide them, and they seemed enjoying being seen.

I had submitted my first draft in the end, and worked till the last minute. I remember the time I clicked "send" button, it was early morning at 1am (3rd July 2010). Afterwards, my brain finally could breathe a bit now and rested my physical and spiritual self for more than 2 weeks. Felt exhausted, its like I had moved all my furniture one by one by foot from city to city. That enduring, that sloppy and that defeated.

Now my professor read the first two chapters and gave me feedback on it (these two chapters had been all he could manage, considering how many thesis assignment he had to dealt with these few weeks before his home trip). By end of August, I will be submitting the final draft again to my professor. In the meantime, I have many sections been chopped and many other issues to insert in ch1, then ch2 almost needs work of reformation. And so on. It must be a hardworking month in August I foresee now and that fear of dreadful process has brought back my worst enemies, spots and acne. Q.Q There must be something seriously wrong with my body, I know it. Thats why I constantly have to deal with the problematic acne situation. I will have myself sorted and checked in hospital as soon as I finish thesis all and arrive home.

Please, grant me a healthy life. I don't want anything other than that!  

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