Friday, 27 January 2012

The Magic in Joggling

2010-08-14 23:12:32 人氣(57) | 回應(0) | 推薦(0) | 收藏(0) 上一篇 | 下一篇

The Magic in Joggling

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Everyone surrounding me knows these few months would a tough period of my UK life, by virtue of joggling between hands the final draft, Buddhists activities, shipping and moving down stair. Natalya has been striving to get us young women in Northern Light district to participate in this year Summer course. Considering the big European Summer course at the Tret centre (France) at the corner in October, the regional summer courses for all divisions, young men, young women, men and women, seem unnecessary to plan to begin with. However, as considerate as the senior members and leaders usually are, they decide to still manage an 1-day summer course for each division in Scotland to accommodate those could not make it to the Tret Summer course financially or practically. It is brilliant news to me, as much as loving to join the heavenly summer course in Tret, the time just couldn't allow me to go.

I have already earned myself a place to stay in September (thanks to Dan and Agus); however, after September, I still don't know where to go, where to stay and what to do. And the Tret Summer Course is from 4th October. Therefore, it all sounds very reasonable for me to train myself in Scotland Summer course, instead of the impossible Tret Summer course. It is held in Glasgow and only takes one day. Reiko, the Japanese cafe owner, is catering for every young women in this summer course, which is super appealing to me. I have been thinking of her Sushi Cafe for years as soon as I knew her in the very first Scotland Summer course in 2007. And the course charges only £10 which is affordable; the transportation only cost me £10 for each journey (£20 return) which is the cheapest you could get from rail train already. Plus, in advance of every arrangement, Natalya and Alexendra offered their house to accommodate the regarding young women the previous night. Due to my annoying nature of not to disturb friends too much, if I go I would be taking one day return journey and avoiding leaving burden on Natalya's shoulder.

Moira Shearer in The Red Shoes 4.png

However, its not that easy to make decision whether to go or not for me, even just for an 1-day Summer course in Glasgow. I am an easily worrying person who strives for perfection all the time. Before the end of August, I have got to pack 7 boxes for Sevenseas to ship, finalise my thesis and moving down stair to a temporary staying place. The Summer course is at 28th of August, will I be capable to do everything in time? I couldn't, could I? Having received three emails from Natalya regarding the information forsummer course, I struggled and was defeated by the darkness in myheart. I told Natalya I won't be able to make it and gave the circumstances I am in right now hoping she would understand my situation. Natalya only asked me "do you want to go?" For me, its not just the personal willingness or desire, the decision involves too many other things. I replied with my reasoning, but she only wants to hear the "want or not."

on the previous day, Dannie received a letter accompanying with a Young men Summer course group photo from Andrew. He just wants to say hi and shares the joy of summer course with Dannie. I felt that why young women did the opposite? why I don't have the ease to simply reject or hide away? Thinking about the different perception between Young Women and Young men division, I felt unraveled: " Natalya, you were not me, you don't really know how busy I am right now!" It was direct which is a new side of me as well. Nat said she totally respects my feelings and we made an appointment for tomorrow for her to collect Butzugo from me and deliver to Michelle (who needs that for the Women Summer course as a Sun Flower lady).

After the phone call, I ranted to Dannie how different Young Women and Young Men are treated, just considering how different Natalya's and Andrew's approaches. Out of blue that Dannie was with Natalya. He didn't blame me for the uncomfortable decline to Nat but he reminds me that I am still a vice Young Women division leader for Aberdeen district and thats the difference between me and him. Also, it will be my last Young Women summer course in Scotland, if its only one day and takes place in Glasgow, I should go. He will support me to fully. After booking and paying the train tickets and 3 minutes diamoku, I phoned Nat and said I am going to Scotland Summer Course.

The reason bringing me to write about this is what I learned from this incidence and from the conversation I had with Nat today on her home visit to mine. She told me that she totally understands how difficult the things are for me, since all young women share the same karma and undergo the same things. Suyin in St. Andrew is, herself is and me in Aberdeen. She just wants me to understand that this bigger event (Summer course or others) is not an additional task to fit into my busy scheduled tasks joggling but that I should regard the bigger event/activity as a task to hold in hand first then every other tasks will fall into my hands naturally mysteriously.

Sharing the same qualities, Natalya is a worrier who strives for perfection as me. The thing is that under the busier time, holding more tasks than ever, we should be having faith in our Buddhahood that we could manage everything with the wisdom. Therefore, worry is just not that close to us anymore.

I thought this conversation was terrific and during the conversation I almost wanted to record it for future reference. I know I will miss Natalya very much. She has been the sun who shines the flowers (me and Suyin) in Northern Light District. I hope myself could learn much from this and grow from it. One day, the perfectionism won't bother me that much, joggling between loading tasks would be fun and worry will be never my thing anymore :) Then, I will be mature and stable enough to warmly shine onto the others steadily without time-outs.

p.s: I got Sensei's address in Japan from Nat. Its such a moving moment while hearing Sensei acknowledged Nat's letter accompanied by the Lilacs photograph on the Northern Light HQ meeting.

p.s: I also received a gift from Nat; its a book called Embracing Compassion: A Revolution in Leadership (there are two volume, Nat suggests me to get the second one in the future). The book arrives at my life at the right timing. I really feel I could use this book right now :)

The Final Line is there.

2010-07-30 04:24:22 人氣(89) | 回應(0) | 推薦(0) | 收藏(0) 上一篇 | 下一篇

The Final Line is there.

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In early 2010, I received a letter from postgraduate association of university saying that I "have to" submit the PhD thesis by end of September this year without any excuse to postpone. The language used in the letter was quite direct, authoritative and harsh. My professor, to avoid my terrified nature, pre-nounced the letter before its delivered. However, no matter what, September 2010 is officially the last deadline I could be granted.

The first half year of PhD, I lived in Mealmarket Exchange. It was owned by a well-developed private company across United Kingdom. Within that first 6 months, both myself and professor worked our hearts out on the project to conduct a well-though through psychological questionnaire. Then, I moved into the alice garden for the rest of my doctorate years. The second half year of my research, I met Dan, Koy, Qily, Ben and Kevin in the house. Apart from Ben's hardworking determination, Dannie and I were living everyday like no tomorrow. I studied during the midnight after Koy's routined chitchat, went to bed in the early morning (dawn or sometimes 9am) and waked up in the early evening for the Big Tea. It wasn't a healthy life I had that time. Thank goodness that the initial 12 months (half in Mealmarket half in alice garden) collated quite a sufficient amount of literature notes for me to develop in the soon future.

Then in July next year, I received a call from dad and suspended my research for half year to be with my beloved mother, Sophie. As kind and thoughtful as she always is, Mummy Sophie thought that half year of suspension should have not happen. But for me, realistically it couldn't be a better choice than going home. I remember myself at the heathrow airport (just 2 hours after learning the news from home) calling professor's home. I said on this end of phoneline that "my family is my ALL, my family is my ALL!". I was crying, the tears were not stoppable and I heard myself standing at the gate and repeating this sentence to my professor. That was also the point that I realised the ideal concept of life for me is to be with my family and knowing we all are having healthy, cheerful and united lives.

After my return from suspension, things actually picked up even more efficiently than ever. Despite the department expansion by recruiting more loaded doctorate students and consequently heavy loaded the duty for each supervisor, my professor had started letting me lead him in this route of researching field. This is also what he wants and what he told me in the beginning of the doctorate tutorial. He could lead me for the first a third of time, then I have to progress a certain proficiency and ability to guide him at the second third of time. I was glad that i was doing finely and anyway otherwise I didn't think he would have extra time for me considering almost 7 phd researchers under his supervision.

Last month, June 2010, was the most hellish deadset period of my life, so far anyway :).
In order to meet the final deadline at september 2010, my professor pressurise me to submit my first draft to him by end of June. It meant that not only had I to finalise the result chapters (which were suggested to have separate three chapters for results at the start then opinion changed to combine them all in one chapter just a month ago) I had to work on discussion chapter and introduction chapter as well. I know you may feel that i should have done them already long ago if possible, but if you think about how much I had done previously but either they had been advised to chop or the shifty and variable advices always guided the write-up direction at the expense of elaboration. I don't blain anyone and I consider those as a necessary process anyway. The doctorate dissertation is all your work, your responsibility and your duty. Its not something much for the future career anyway other than for yourself. If you couldn't bear this hardships or exhaustion, how you would be able to be proud oneday? In a way, its like labouring a baby. The process is difficult and painful, but I reckon the baby is so beautiful and precious especially after the procedure of pain.

Get obsessive.jpg

I always recalled the female doctorate researcher (maybe a Taiwanese or a Chinese) who was a friend of Jesca in Newcastle. She eventually submitted her dissertation and passed the viva. However, just days after attending graduation ceremony and receiving her doctor degree, she passed away in the rented room and her death was announced in relation to the liver failure. I heard this devastated news four years ago and since then I don't think that there was times her tragedy is not in my mind. Its a warning to me. Don't over-do it, don't be perfectionist. Don't forget nothing is more treasurous than having your health. I keep remind myself to relax. During the most difficult June (oh my sweetness, I will never forget about the hell I was in in June), I told myself to relax on daily basis. Did it work? Let the skin to judge...

I waked up at 9am, worked in the library or at home throughout the day, and usually finished work at 11pm. I didn't leave my desk more than 20 minutes, there was no time for me to make up or checking out myself at the mirror and I didn't even walked out of the house for weeks. Therefore, despite the light sunshine in Aberdeen, even the sunny rays sparkled through my window annoyed me to death. I drew curtain to keep the room dark and continued working. Its like working was the only purpose in life that month. So scary, terrifying, devilish and unhealthy. My skin, hah, turned dramatically worst and even capable to complimented the hellish circumstances. One spot, two spots, three spots. They just kept coming to have fun on my face. I facialed origins dark mask, bodyshop's teatree mask, byebye blemish pinky lotion and everything I have in the room. The spots and acne became the worst nightmare and the most essential distraction of my daily life. Most of them appeared in the philtrum area of my face, and there was one very lingeringly tough to deal with, like a troop, locating right in the middle of my philtrum. The funny thing is that they enjoyed company. If there was only one spot for me to fight, I could concentrate on it fully. However, there has been always two as a company. The one I described earlier as the toughest acene was that its super deep rooted. I cleared one, at least I thought I did accomplish it, there was another one deeper at the same spot. Then the third one and the fourth one. Its like no end to it. I was also a troop myself. I fought through the war, and guess who was the victor there :) now there is a redish/purplish scar as the memorial for it. Not only the acne, I had a serious symtom of lip dehydration. It appeared to be like having a dry lips at first, then the dry lip turned to a serious skin peel. Waiting for no time, the lip peels transformed into something similar to cold-sore. It looked painful; however, I had been blessed that I didn't feel a thing I guess. People seeing me could recognise the whitish skin peels covering all over my lips. You couldn't hide them, and they seemed enjoying being seen.

I had submitted my first draft in the end, and worked till the last minute. I remember the time I clicked "send" button, it was early morning at 1am (3rd July 2010). Afterwards, my brain finally could breathe a bit now and rested my physical and spiritual self for more than 2 weeks. Felt exhausted, its like I had moved all my furniture one by one by foot from city to city. That enduring, that sloppy and that defeated.

Now my professor read the first two chapters and gave me feedback on it (these two chapters had been all he could manage, considering how many thesis assignment he had to dealt with these few weeks before his home trip). By end of August, I will be submitting the final draft again to my professor. In the meantime, I have many sections been chopped and many other issues to insert in ch1, then ch2 almost needs work of reformation. And so on. It must be a hardworking month in August I foresee now and that fear of dreadful process has brought back my worst enemies, spots and acne. Q.Q There must be something seriously wrong with my body, I know it. Thats why I constantly have to deal with the problematic acne situation. I will have myself sorted and checked in hospital as soon as I finish thesis all and arrive home.

Please, grant me a healthy life. I don't want anything other than that!

How Literature Gets me High

2010-05-15 02:47:48 人氣(132) | 回應(0) | 推薦(0) | 收藏(0) 上一篇 | 下一篇

How Literature gets me High!

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I have been attending Word Festival for few years in a row.
Still vividly remember that one afternoon in May 2007,
I was singing the childhood lullabies in the garden
when Tuckchee and Joan joined and chatted away.

The topic is on how fast the Word Festival tickets sold out.
It seemed Joan had a thick bunch of tickets in her wallets, whereas Tuckchee was jokingly complaining about how he was always late to the ticket booking.

That was literally the first time Word Festival ever came across my mind, despite the fact it had been held every May with a big displaying tent in the centre of the campus.
Later that year, the sophisticated and sweet Joan passed away.
Since then, I think I have never missed the Word festival ever since.
Participating the WORD festival reminds me Joan spirit
which is always so energetic, serene and bright.
Word Festival becomes a Joan memorial annually to me.

I remember in May 2008, I bought tickets to Dr. Janet Todd's book talk.
She was a professor in our school of literature with the specialty of ancient manuscripts analysis.
I was facinated by her project of great Jane Austen.
Therefore, how could i miss such a special opportunity to chase after a star (in my mind anyway).

janet todd.jpg

I didn't get the time to buy her Cambridge study of Jane Austen but I managed to purchase her latest production, The Death and the Maidens.
She was just so lovely to me, and I immediately fell in love with her work, her critical academy and her drive in career.

Even though it was quite a surprise to know she wasn't a pleasant customer at the in-campus bookshop (Blackwell), according to Dr. P.R. Dong's wife.
At the end, she was assigned honourably as president of College in Cambridge University and left me little fan far far behind.

I really couldn't recall what did I do in Word 9 last year, apart from sit-in John Boyne speech.
He is the author of The Boy in Stripe Pajama which was adopted into big screen and made his name a hosuehold fame in the world.
Again, too busy and too occupied otherwise before the event,
I forgot to buy his book beforehand.
I only managed to purchase his latest product - The House of Special Purposes on set.
That was a gift for Amanda, since I know how much she enjoys a good read.
Other than that, i only can recall myself staying in the other two days of the event.

John Boyne.jpg

This year, I became super wild.
In terms of the critical calendar i am keeping up, I know myself behaved very irrational.
Having the deadline only few steps apart (June2010),
I went crazy addicted to the smell of books, the patterns of words and the wisdom of the author.

This year I bought so many books
(this reflects on my old habits of book collection from I was a graduate student in Taiwan)

Word 10.jpg

I took two Haiku (japanese poetry incorporating inspired paintings): one for me, one for Andrew
one book of Angela's Ashes signed by the aunt Angie for Amanda's birthday
one poetry for myself - The Book of The Angel
and one book, Clara, by Janice Gallaway.
Before buying ticket to her speech, i googled her production list and the reviews.
Before getting into her speech, I didn't think I would be madly impressed by her attitude and personality.
Towards the end, I bought her previous work after my prolonged consideration and hesitation
between the choices of her recent or previous works.

Clara.jpg

She is originally from Dundee and her strong accent seriously reminds me Natalya (SGI Northern Light Young Women HQ leader).
Her attitude of laughing at bitter life to get over the sorrow was remarkable.
The difficult childhood definitely constructs her strong but interesting, humourous character.
Even myself is not a publish writer, I was so encouraged and inspired by her speech.
She said, "just Write! What are you Waiting For".

Also, this year we are very honoured to have three school scholars contributing their intelligence into the Scottish Opera production 15:Five.
Not only was it performed in the infamous ElephenStone Building, it is my very first opera in life.
In total there were 5 stories and each took 15 minutes.
From the first story of Japanese girl got pregnant from a traditional family and blamed the priest,
through the second story of a disturbed young mother couldn't get rid of her nightmares, and others, to the latest Jewish story in second World War,
I cried my eyes out and finishd all my tissues before reaching the interval break.
It was remarkable. I am loving it.

Scottish Mini Opera.jpg

I so so enjoy this type of literature events.
Thanks to Alan Spence, the founder of Word Festival.
Can I say that I was like a greedy bee with eyes big wide open flying around the flowers.
Well, I definitely was!!

Silent partner

ClaraSchumann was the finest pianist of her time - and a dutiful wife whorarely opened her mouth. Perfect material for a novel, says JaniceGalloway

The Guardian, Janice Galloway Thursday 20 June 2002 10.54 BST

Robert, 11th week of marriage, 1840: A quiet week which went by withcomposing and much loving and kissing. My wife is love, kindness andunpretentiousness itself. My settings of the Kerner poems is ready;they gave dear Clara pleasure as well as pain, since she must purchasemy love so often with silence and invisibility. Well, that's the way itgoes in marriages of artists! If they love each other, that's goodenough...
Why write a novel about a real person? Why indeed,especially when that person did not really say very much? Clara WieckSchumann, quite certainly the finest virtuoso pianist of the 19thcentury, wasn't much of a talker. But then again, she was never meantto be.
Clara was born in Leipzig in 1819, two years after thedeath of Jane Austen and the completion of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein,and barely four years after the defeat of Napoleon at Waterloo.
Evenbefore her birth, her father, Friedrich Wieck, a tenaciously self-mademan and arguably the fastest, most furious piano teacher in Saxony, haddecided on his daughter's path and could see her destiny with the"clarity" that the name settled upon her was intended to show.
Hisdaughter, he decided, would become a prodigy, one whose talent andfilial loyalty would make his name and fortune by becoming "the equalof Moscheles, the finest pianist yet living". After the death of hisfirstborn, after his own struggle towards music from a family that hadlittle sympathy with such a calling, this child would be hisbrightness, his light.
It seems he never asked her what shefelt about this. From what I can fathom from exhaustive research, noone did. Given the ability that soon evidenced itself in her fingers,it was taken for granted - and by Clara most of all - that Wieck's planfor his daughter was blessed.
And so it was. Whatever was amissthat made the little girl literally speechless until the age of four(and what novelist could resist wondering what that might be?), somethings were solidly in place: a father with an iron sense of purpose,an example of maternal fortitude (that her mother, Marianne Tromlitz,had the nerve to leave such a husband, and that she played the pianoprofessionally herself seems a powerful influence) and sound; endless,non-verbal, sound.
In a childhood she called "fortunate", whenmost girls her age were being taught how to make themselves desirablein the marriage market, Clara was afforded the best piano teacher herfather could muster. In addition, he bartered lessons in theory,composition, harmony, orchestration and languages (solely those shewould need for touring: no stuffy Latin or Greek, and certainly nothingto facilitate the consumption of literature). He also began a diary forher, written in Clara's voice, etching in his own hand the legend: "Iwill never be able to repay Father for everything he has done for me."
Allher life, Clara Schumann, the rave-review prodigy of Prague, Vienna,Dresden, St Petersburg and Berlin, the mature performance equal ofThalberg, Rubenstein and Liszt, the wife and champion of RobertSchumann and mother of his eight children, the best friend JohannesBrahms ever had, never threw over this training in silence, stillness,duty.
While her father beat her brothers, or cruelly denigratedher choice of marriage partner, or deliberately tried to wreck herprofessional reputation rather than let go his control; while herhusband deteriorated into alcoholic stupors, fits of suicidaldepression or the torturing betrayals of full-blown mania; while herdearest friends died young and her body churned through relentless,morale-debilitating pregnancies, she largely kept her own counsel. Asexpected.
Who complains that a musician lacks the capacity fortete-a-tete if they manage the notes? If those notes, in turn,illuminate, entertain or educate without the assistance of language?Words, it is satisfactorily agreed, are not a musician's concern.
Certainlythere were letters, diaries - miles of them. Despite her aversion toconversational exchange, Clara certainly wrote a great deal. Touringextensively as principal breadwinner for her family, she wrote to thosewho kept her company far from home and to those who opened therequisite doors to enable further touring. She wrote to her husband andchildren, to the housekeeper who kept her household together in herabsence, to those she admired and her own fervent admirers, and screedsto friends and fellow-professionals Pauline Garcia-Viardot, FelixMendelssohn and Jenny Lind.
She also recorded contracts and thecontent of her programmes and rehearsal schedules, itineraries for herfrequent tours, packing lists and opinions as to the stupidity ofWagner's entire oeuvre. Famously, she also kept a diary of herrelationship in tandem with her husband for the first four years oftheir marriage. Lots of ink, lots of detail - and not really very muchat all.
Even reading her written words, the silences areunavoidable, the white, unspoken space between the lines seeming togrow wider with each passing year, each hellish domestic crisis.Discover Robert's "corrections" to her entries scribbled like teachers'comments in their shared diary, discover her ruthless cheerfulness inpraising his work when he is at his least healthy, his least confident,discover her relief when a suspected fresh pregnancy proves false, andit's not hard to see why.
Certainly she had a career to dealwith, fingers to keep in trim, ways to secure a contract that Robertwould not discover and fall sick in time to sabotage. But she also hadthat most old-fashioned of female priorities, love, to attend to: thedemands of family she could not turn aside from, and would not, despitethe odd flash of resentment, have wished to.
Certainly I hadheard snippets of Clara's career told in the traditional way: theglittering career, the superbly histrionic story of her rabid fatherand haunted husband, the dramatic backdrop of the Dresden uprisings andthe growth of pianist-as-cult in the 19th century with luminousshow-stoppers such as Liszt and Chopin, warty little Wagner andgolden-boy Brahms studding the field.
But the more I read aboutClara, the more I listened to the music she herself, infrequently,composed, the more it was clear these supposedly "big stories" were thesideshow. A grand and highly coloured sideshow certainly, but not thepulse at the heart of this life - indeed anyone's life - at all.
Nextto her dignity, her quiet sense of duty and care (the word most oftenused of her playing was "noble"), the conquering artistic triumphs andcrowd-drawing celebrity that Clara's father or indeed Liszt, desired,showed only as competitions, masculine obsessions of who's strongest,who's biggest, who wins. History works against the accomplishments ofmost of us that way, and against the truer accomplishments andpriorities of women especially.
Women with families prioritisedifferently, although they know their achievement will judged asharshly as a man's. And in this, writing about Clara was not merelywriting about Clara at all. It was writing about the process ofcreativity from another perspective - the female creator's perspective.
The most interesting aspect of Clara to write about - indeed ofRobert too - became the unsaids, the silences raddling the life. Theplace, in other words, where she joins the rest of us in dealing withthe everyday moral, financial and emotional struggles we call "gettingby". In this way she is the model of how a woman can live life servingher friends and families and also serve her own talents and ambitions.
Genius and what it might be is one thing, but it seems to me nothing much at all if it is separate from all that is human.
Clara,then, the good domestic woman, was what thrilled me. Her silences andher piano-playing were survival tools - she made her utterances betweenthem. The device of fiction is what permits silence to speak, to findthe edges of a psychology and bring it not only into being, butentirely close to home.
· Clara by Janice Galloway is published by Cape, priced £10.99

Personality Test - Five

2010-05-31 05:42:25 人氣(123) | 回應(0) | 推薦(0) | 收藏(0) 上一篇 | 下一篇

BIG O FIVE

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I'm a O24-C79-E64-A93-N66 Big Five!!

Big Five Personality Test.jpg

One Million Blessings

2010-04-06 22:39:03 人氣(469) | 回應(0) | 推薦(0) | 收藏(0) 上一篇 | 下一篇

One Million Blessings

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I completed an World Peace chart of 1,000,000 daimoku eventually
after three years of effort.

daimoku charts for Kosenrufu (World Peace)!

In May 2007
few days after Vivian receiving the Gohonzon
and couple weeks before meeting Young Women group here,
Shiokee made a wide selection of beautiful design of daimoku charts
for every members to work on :)

There were sky blue coloured and baby pink coloured print on the Ho-Pin (Peace) charactors.
Actually there was one or two more colours for members to choose from, however,
only the blue and pink attracted my attention for personal preference ^////^
so I forgot the other options...
I chose, without hesitation, the pink one.

The daimoku chart was started right away and each square represents 15 minutes of chanting.
There are in total of 1000 squares.

In the beginning of my practice, as also the starting point on my Pink Peace chart,
two or three squares would be crossed off only after attending the Discussion Meetings
or Young Women meetings where I chant with members together.
If to be honest here, I wasn't a good disciplined member ^_^
Other than those times of three square in the row,
there are certain times of long-run squares crossing
when we were challenging for Kamakura Campaign.
There were once in 2007, twice in 2008 and then once in 2010.
The first Kamakura Campaign occured fairly out of blue for me.
I didn't know whats Kamakura Campaign before
and the intention was simply my excitement of partnering with Shiokee and Amanda.

Kamakura Campaign is to do an extra one hour per day for 12 days.
The extra hour is to top onto the usual routined daimoku.

Amanda, in our Young Women meeting, carefully told me
the possibility of the personal difficulties to stop us from completing the campaign.
The difficulties could be the sore throat, laziness or any personal issues.

But at the same time, Amanda cheerfully encouraged me to
enjoy the determination and pray for actual proof.

Actual Proof seems very vital for Young people, as Sensei constantly reminds us.
Only the life force of Youth Division could transform our karma that fiercely efficient.
And only the accumulated occurances of actual proofs could firmly deepen our faith.

I still remember the first Kamakura Campaign,
we were asking for the wishes not for ourselves but for each other.
Thats the nature of us, always only put each other before us. ^_^

In the determinations list, we were focusing on:
Amanda's proper house for herself, Micha and Poppy
Shiokee's good working relationship
and my family's nature comfortable connection with SGI.
(ok, to be honest here, I forgot much about mine and Shiokee's
maybe thats because we both were aiming to pray for Amanda at that time)

Only few months later, October 2007,
my mommy decided to visit with Will who were planning to study English in Aberdeen.
Its also the Sgi's Culture Festival in Glasgow
in which I agreed long time ago to serve as a book sale along with Shiokee for Debbie.
It means no matter what I have to attend Culture Festival in Glasgow, even if my family visit.
I booked the tickets and hotels for Will, Mom, Dan and me as soon as learning their plan of visit.
We arrived Glasgow two days before hand, and enjoyed the city, restaurants and the shops.
The morning on the last day of Glasgow staying,
I managed to enjoy the full Breakfast with Mommy, Will and Dannie as usual,
and then even picked a neighbouring park by our hotel to have a leisurely stroll.
By the time of action gongyo, we took our luggages together to the Glasgow Music Hall
where the SGI culture festival was helded.
Very naturally, my mommy and Will sat in among the action team and did a action daimoku.
Even though it was only 5 minutes,
I felt so moved by the smooth power by the nature of universe.
Who would know the actual proof could be happening in such an natural way.

The second Kamakura Campaign was taken place in 2008,
only couple months after my return from conducting Main Survey.
Shiokee has moved in with Berry in Glasgow where she found a great prosepective job.
Despite her absence, Amanda and I put her into our second round of Kamakura Campaign.
The determinations were:

Shiokee's mission and connection in SGI-Glasgow
Amanda's proper suitable House hunting
and My family's good connection with Gohonzon.

Unfortunately, it was one day short of achieving the victory.
It only succeeded 11 days by my part.

The third Kamakura Campaign, October 2008, came few months after the second one.
And this time, my determination is for Will's suceess in national Judicial policeman exam.
on the 12th day of Kamakura Campaign, also the day of Will's exam,
I felt very dizzy and too uncomfortable to actually do the 1 hour daimoku.
However, I managed to sit up in front of gohonzon and finished the task.
Interesting enough, Will said he felt unwell and almost throw up,
but he also managed it through the whole series of examinations.
Of course, with Will's dedicated drive and incredible hardworks,
my second actual proof was suceeded. He is now serving for the Highest Court in Taipei.

Then, throughout the whole 2009, there is no Kamakura Campaign happening,
by virtue of Amanda's struggling of all issues with the old misunderstanding involving Michelle,
with the back-spinal condition troubles and with the Stefka-JC gate.

Nevertheless,
the Pin out of the Ho-Pin (Peace characters) is completed in only one year, 2009;
whereas the character of Ho literally took me 2 years to complete.

Due to my physically and mentally heavy loaded research work,
nor did I attend any Young Women meetings,
even the Discussion meetings were not a stick-around schedule for me as well.

How did the Pin completed in only one year, 2009, was a myth :)
Thats where I shall hold highly gratitude for Natalya today.
Only because of her always inviting me to do lilac, despite her residing in Dundee,
and her charm of my unwillingness to decline any offers from her ^_^

For chapter days either in Aberdeen or in Inverness, General Meeting,
and the new year kick-off meeting, we have to do loads of daimoku to support the
members and their relatives and to protect the safety and smooth flow of the event.
Thats how the daimoku chart could be completed in only 1 year when still half way to go.

Maybe because of Natalya's support and belief in me whenever a lilac service is in need,
or because of the members in Aberdeen being so supportive and embracing me like family
without doubts of my sudden disapparance occasionally in the past,
or because of the surprise which Nozomi gave me with her strong conviction of chanting
(while she puts daimoky before her preparation for Tofel exam in the morning of her exam.
She stayed with me for a night and the early morning at 5am she waked up for 1 hour daimoku.
The lazy comfortable me was lying in bed and spiritually encouraged by her behaviour truely),
2009, in stead of laying low and sleepy in SGI, I was fully awake and ready to roar like a lion.

After my first official dedicating service as a Lilac Chief at the Kick-Off Day in Aberdeen,
The February Discussion Meeting day I was visited by Natalya and Jenny (HQ leaders)
to ask my willingness of supporting Young Women division in Aberdeen.
I was waiting for Amanda's return and not ready for a real position, yet I agreed to support.
Just in 5 days, 5th March, reaching my Birthday, I have formed a missionary mind
to contributing more for Aberdeen and Scotland districts as a gratitude I have had.

One day after my birthday,
I started the fourth Kamakura Campaign myself.
Not only was this the only one campaign in whole year, but it was also my first one
which is self-initiated with the stand-alone spirit.
The determinations are:
1. Amanda, Michelle, JC, Bobbin, Gary and Deric feeling healthy and happy.
2. Dannie's parents and my parents' forming a comfortable and cherrful bridge.
3. Aberdeen Young Women Division.

In March 2010,
when the last square was filled, I was at Jeff's house for 2-hour District chanting.
There were Debbie, me, Charles, Guido, Jeff and Andrew.
The moment when I realised that this was the moment, I was totally touched.
This is the contribution I want to do for the SGI-Aberdeen/Scotland or even for SGI-Taiwan.
Thank you ^_^ for such a touching moment!

This chart of 1 million Daimoku, 1 million blessings, not only paints my first victory,
but also draws a great memories of my youth actual proofs, friendship
and learning of self-reliance.

I have started my personal second daimoku chart, the Lotus Chart by Debbie
this time it could be a challenge but also a progress:
1 Hour for 1 Lotus
but in total there are 100 Lotus await to be fulfilled.

I am progressing to be a better Vivian, daimoky by daimoku,
and I am happier and stronger!

Possession

2010-03-11 21:05:15 人氣(111) | 回應(0) | 推薦(0) | 收藏(0) 上一篇 | 下一篇

Possession

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Possession

I have a confession to make.

Not only are the favourite goods (hello Kitty, Pinkishstuffs etc) always irresistible to me, but I also always had sickly emotional attachment to the soft toys around me. For me, they embody lives, their own emotions,feelings and language. I could hold myself away from the passion and urge of purchasing and taking them home. Yet, as soon as they are mine, and as the time grows, I have found the connection between myself and them. Maybe, it’s more of one direction thing. Who knows if they actually have formed the same feelings on their own and bridged the friendship with me? But, I have strong reliantly emotional attachment stitching onto them individually. Of course, when I am distracted by something external, when the situation is very crucial or busy,or whenever my mood is high and happy through the roof, there is at times a belonging tending to be parted from me and lost in an unnoticeable corner of town or in a seldom visited shop. I often lost things, everywhere and anytime, am I not busy tripping myself and falling down on street or am I hitting the crystal cleardoor of the bank etc.. I have lost many things in Taiwan before, and it didn’t matter that much. Everything is easier to get around by shopping the exact same things again. Or, at least, my family would give me some caring concerns or thoughtful scolding and then it would be so straightforwardly pleasant nature to move on. In UK, however, things are so so different.

attachment to the soft dolls.2.jpg

Almost everything means something to me, not to mention the things I brought from Taiwan. I have lost many things and they luckily come back to me without long unsettling devastation. I recollect the time in Nottingham after the information researching for the project on the history of Henry the VIII in the university computer room, the H&M retro-faint-red jacket was left at the seat. When I ran back after 20 minutes, fortunately the British stranger girl seating next to me took my jacket out of her bag and returned it to me. Even till now, I couldn’t anticipate how she would do with my jacket if I didn’t ask her again when she was heading afar. But the jacket returns to my arm, and since then she has been with me for more than 6 years. The colour has been fading away, the fabric has been losing the elastic texture, yet my affection to her, my connection with her and my certain history spending with her has been simply growing priceless to me. Even now while I am typing this diary entry, the jacket is on me. However, today, this article is not dedicated to her but actually to another beloved one of mine.

When I was in Nottingham, that short period of time has defeated, by then, all the previous student years by the level of hardworking and my study drive. I used to go to bed at 8pm and wake up at 3am in the morning to do the English homework and learning fiercely before the dawn and sunrise. Every afternoon after the 4 modules under the critical Teacher Alex’s close supervision, I did the laundry by hand in the little shared restroom as soon as I head home and then the cooking for very early dinner. The life in Nottingham wasn’t enjoyable or even cheerful in the slightest but impressively developing my later constrained personality and constructively helping my later career. I remember the high study stress provoked me to pick off almost all of my eyebrows ^__^ very funny! The only warm excitement I had received was the big to small parcels sent from my family. My mum’s newfound Korean biscuits, my parents’ good deeds of reducing my homesick with the foods, and the photographs, souvenirs my mum bought for me from Japan. There were many Hello Kitty candies, Hokkaido soft dolls, and Kitty automatic pencil. Among these, the Kitty soft doll and Kitty pencil are the precious gifts. The Kitty soft doll had been with me for more than 7 years. No matter which bag I was using, the Kitty is always tagged along to the bag. I remember one time before my home visit for the treatment of tonsillitis, Emma offered the caring gesture and asked me to leave Kitty with her for her to remember me by during my trip home. How sweet is that! These and Those are the memories Hokkaido Kitty has given me all through the years no matter where I am or even being alone yet never felt lonely with her accompany. Especially in Aberdeen, whenever I settle on the bus, my fingers and palm holding her I could feel the prompt relief and comfort….

In the late evening of the the sixth day of my independent Kamakura Campaign, while organizing the next day outfit I panicked,for I couldn’t find the Hokkaido Lavender Hello Kitty anywhere. Three hand bags,1 and only the pink JanSport 1 Malaysian bought d&g Cream Bag and 1 FCUK smalldenim bag, are often used along with the Hello Kitty on the handle ring. Amongthem, and the other bags there is no Hello Kitty here and there. I know I was panickingsecretly under the surface yet looked calmly organizing things as usual. Becauseof losing her, many memories emerge to my mind and like ocean tide, come andgo. Sensei asks us not to be bothered by and worried about trivial things, Ikept reading these quotations and reminding there are more things I still own,love and care. Something like the family’s health, love, mind fortune, youthand the fairy-tale life of study, comparing to these, maybe Lavender Kitty iseasily regarded as the trivia. Despite her origin from Hokkaido of Japan, beinga gift from mother, her existence of psychological comfort and love and howmuch I love her, she might be still just a small tiny thing in my life.Browsing through my room, Kitty is everywhere, Me2U bears are on the bed, deskand even the chest drawer, and many little to big favourites in the cupboard,maybe I should not hold everything that tight, maybe I should learn to Let Go!

Hokkaido Kitty 2.jpg

kitty and friend.jpg

In the samenight, after an hour crazily searching, I went to sit down in front of my gohonzon and chant for 15 minutes. During the time, I felt so lost and felt so unwilling to give up on her. I chant with the hope and belief that she willcome back to me. When I received my Gohonzon at a Chapter Day in Station Hotelin May 2007, brought along Peter Rabbit Mamma was left behind as I was overwhelmed by the joys and excitement of the receiving and enshrinement ceremony. Few hours later, before I discovering her disappearance, Charles had sent her backto me. This is the mysterious way of connection and happiness which Charlesowns to help. However, this time with the Kitty, Charles didn’t find her,Sainsbury didn’t find her, the Second hand Bookshop didn’t find her and I didn’t find her on the streets. This time I have no idea where it happened and when it happened. In spite of my firm belief that she will return, I know it takes more for her to reappear. It will be more mysterious quality to bring her back. I hope she will be with me again and if not I want her to be cherished as I did. Also, I want her to give more support, love and hope to the one who owns hernow. (Please please don’t be taken away by the street clean Hoover…..) and pleaselet her belongs to the child, from either poorly destitute or financially poshbackgrounds, who has the inspiration and love in her/his heart and never feel desperation and devastation in the childhood. I love you Kitty. I will miss you.

Note: I have found the Hokkaido Kitty somewhere.

She is not physically the exact one,

I am still very grateful for given the chance to come across again.

With the price of triple times from the previous one got from Hokkaido,

she is priceless and therefore no matter what

I will be taking her home, to seize the moment!

Stand-Alone Spirit (2/2)

2010-03-08 04:40:23 人氣(59) | 回應(0) | 推薦(0) | 收藏(0) 上一篇 | 下一篇

Stand-Alone Spirit (2/2)

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a-childs-prayer-ken-gimmi.jpg

2010 I have
My first Kick-Off Meeting (been invited every year though).
due to the heavy snow, it was postponed to early February.
Not only was my first time participating in the KickOff meetings,
but it was also my first time taking up the role of Lilac Chief.

As you may easily anticipate my tendency:

I had moved my belonging dependency onto Amanda.
When I am up over the roof, I want to share with her,

And she will always share the joys.

When I am low tothe ground, I have to tell her,

and she willalways have solution from her wisdom.

From 2007 tonow,

the gates of Koy’s moody friendship,the academic criticism towards my study and the interactive karmic connection between my dear mommy and me have all solved by Amanda’s suggestions of wisdom.

These solutions aren’t the practical external methods of problem-solving.

Rather, they are the sophistication of learning self-environment relationships.

Through these years, Amanda is not only asenior member of SGI,

She is a close friend who maturely supports anydecision I make;

She is a family who sooths the struggling sideof me.

In the past two years,
there have been many chaotic situations occurring to Aberdeen district:

The Girls’ misunderstanding without openhearted one-to-one talk,

The members’ Decision pressure of either agreeing to receive Gohonzon,

The complicate personal karma involves or dragspeople down in the pond.

…

Now, after these series of complex situations,

Amanda is taking a short break from holding orattending meetings,

And I am here for her. I shall be growing upalready!

A very long time, I relied on her emotionallyand I had been behaving like a good child yet ignoring the need of growingmaturity in religion.

This year, 2010, is the year for me to standstill and let Amanda proud.

I am taking up the Young Women Tozo this Marchon the Youth Day.

(The Youth Day when I met and joint Amanda’sYoung Women meetings)

I am starting my first self-initiative KamakuraCampaign alone yesterday.

(Additional an hour diamoku for 12 Days startsfrom the day after my Birthday 2010)

Sensei asks every individual member

to forge the Stand-Alone Spirit to advanceforward on the road of victory everyday!

Amanda kept saying this quotation before in themeetings,

However, I have just had the capacity to digestit these days.

Only through the hardships and obstacles, wewould be courageously progressing.

That is why it’s now!

Stand-Alone Spirit (1/2)

2010-03-08 04:15:39 人氣(96) | 回應(0) | 推薦(0) | 收藏(0) 上一篇 | 下一篇

Stand-Alone Spirit (1/2)

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ABDN January Discussion Meeting 2010.jpg

From the beginning of my religion practice,
my attendance on Young Men Tozo had brought my trust
and sense of belonging to Charles and Andrew.

My first dark-baby-blue Gongyo book,
my first Japanese wrapping cloth (solid-grass-green)
and my first Japanese Gongyo Pocket are all from Charles.

He didn't throw everything to me simultaneously,
yet everything of it was given between months apart.
It’s a feeling of belonging and cherishing for me,
I still remember, that night at Young Men Tozo,
Charles took the beautiful Bluey Gongyo book out and said it’s for me.
And the night of another Young Men Tozo after many months,
he gave me the Red Japanese gongyo Pocket along with the wrapping cloth.
Before handing them to me, he said they are originally from Japanese members,
and the pocket is handmade by a Japanese member.

As much as I love Japan, the Soka Gakai just rang the bells all around myheart.
Since then, I have known this is the practice for me.
The members are the representives of the religion.
They are always so kind, polite, un-gossiping, calm and open-hearted,
the longer I stay with them, the more I love to know more about this Buddhism.

I still remember that Charles had mentioned many times:
the existence of Young Women division for me at the Young Men Tozo.
By virtue of staying with Dannie, Charles and Andrew (also the smiley Bobbin),
I felt at home already.

One Youth Day (16th March 2007) at Andrew's house,
I met Manchester girls Amanda and Michelle whereas Dannie met Malaysian Mathew.
It must have been marked as a victorious day for some members I guess,
since last time I mentioned this incidence to Charles, he immediatelyrecollects the exact date.

On the Youth Day, I fell in love with Michelle and Amanda without hesitation.
Their attachment of friendship and love were/are so strong,
for me, at that time, it seems intimate and connecting.
I started attending Young Women Tozo at Amanda's place,
and the first time travelling to Ellon (Aberdeenshire) was in JC's lovelyyellow car.
In Amanda's bright cosy house in Ellon, I met Shiokee and Renei.
I have to admit that I really love the females bond;
the meetings soon became social teatime every month.

Long story short, I receive my Gohonzon two months later.
It seemed quite an impulsive and convenient decision to receive Gohonzon inshort time.
Many members struggle in process and some have to wait many years before that.
I think, I have been very lucky.
One Discussion meeting in April,
Derik openly confesses his constant thought of suicide,
left people unexpectedly to hesitation, to find something appropriate to say.
I felt for Derik and I believe in his will power, at that time and even now,
the most difficult thing is to confess your thing, your private thought,
and he did in front of us, that is a super brave thing to do.
Not worrying people may judge, not worrying people may use coloured glasses tosee you.
That bravery proves he can make himself better and better!
I don't know how he is now. He hasn't been to meeting for a while now,
but Derik and Bobbin have always in my heart that I truly care.
Said long story short, I still said too detailed >.<
Anyway,
my compulsive reaction breaking the silence in the room
towards that incident in Discussion meeting had led the ladies feeling:
its time for vivian to receive Gohonzon...
I wasn't quite sure about that idea of receiving it,
especially Dannie kept saying in Taiwan the members take at least two yearsconvincingly practice before the big decision.

It’s all about self-worth I guess, for myself at least.
I thought I was definitely not ready for such a big conmmitment.
I was very new, just getting contact with the practice for not more than twoyears.
But, they didn't push me or pour the pressure on me at all;
instead, they simply smilingly told me to:
chant for it and then I will know what heart feels about it.

I respect and adore Amanda very much from the beginning and I believe it will go a long way.
Amanda said she felt I am ready. So that it.
I feel confident in making this decision because of their support.

Hitting The Wall

2010-01-23 23:27:42 人氣(67) | 回應(0) | 推薦(0) | 收藏(0) 上一篇 | 下一篇

Hitting The Wall

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Many years ago, heard cousin.V decided to suspend her phd research because ofhitting the wall. At that time I was only at the second year into my phd, Iknew nothing about wall-hitting; however, it definitely scares me because ofits unknown effect and unexpected timing. I only prayed please don't let ithappen to me...

Many years later, after completing a long series of Result Chapters, feelingrewarded while looking back how much I had done during the Christmas holidayshould have given me much more confident to debut the next day to startplanning the Discussion chapter(s?). I felt overwhelmed by the enormous dataand resource i had collected for this doctoral study to the contrary. Slightlypanic attack and emotional breakdown surround me for the whole working dayright after the plan to start on the next chapters. With the limited time frameto spend some casual time with friends or to take a real holiday isn't apreferable yet a luxurious solution.

Suddenly, sitting by my bian-bian laptop looking out of the window, I couldn'thelp but being convinced that "I don't think I can do it". Phd as agoal seems just too extreme to me. I was a happy ordinary girl who dreams ofmarrying a nice gentle guy and surrounding by friendship, love and family. Theaforementioned are literally so distant. I quit the obsession of msn messengerto reduce the physics exhaustion and I decline many social invitations simplyjust to concentrate more on my study and myself. I distance myself from whom Ilove and who love me. Moreover, when my good friends one by one found theirhappiness, where am I on the road of life? When my beloved family needs supportand needs company, it has always been so frustrated to be acknowledged thelast. Today it just seems to be an afar dream or goal to complete the thesis. Agood, scholarlike academically, satisfactory to my perfection thesis.

Hitting "The" Wall is just too painful to reject any second-thoughtsor self-doubts. Any devilish criticism and comments could easily climb back tohaunt me at this weakest moment. However, I was lucky enough to notice thewall-hitting stage and immediately promising me there is no allowance for me tospend longer time in self-pitying misery. Having been used to guard myperfection attitude and mask, it is also difficult for me to admit how defeatedI am to every single friends, or ... even my closest mommy and daddy. Trying tostep out the matrix, I slowly remove all the negativity and turned myself tothe last safety pillow: Amanda. Even though she has also been slightlyderailing from the sgi meetings, she is always and ever on the top of my heartwhen I am happy, victorious, upset or low. I texted her and received the mostsophisticated, brightest, encouraging and compassionate messages. I am going toshare them here to remind myself: Believing in me because I can!
『you will never again have to do anything as difficult as a PhD,never again will you deal with as much data or literature as you are now!』

Only the people who are doing the same things, undergoing the same pressure,encountering the same rocky obstacles could comprehend how you really feel. AndAmanda's additional notes suggest me to physically chat with a friend (which Idon't have the spare energy and time to do) or sipping a nice cup of hot teaand reading a nice book. The next morning to Amanda's text, I brewed myself adeep glass of Tetley tea and flipped through the popup journals of BeatrixPotter. I am feeling 120% better emotionally and these two days I have beenstudying in the qualitative analysis in order to figure out how I shall do tomake the best qualitative and quantitative incorporation in the discussionchapter(s?).

When you have fear, the most efficient and triumphal route is only to face it,understand it and then solve it.